Dear Parents and Caregivers,
We have been holding you, your children, and our community in prayer in the days following the shooting at Friday night’s Eden Prairie homecoming game. We know from our conversations on Sunday morning that many of you are carrying a lot. We also know that many of our children and youth are carrying a lot. The St. Andrew pastors, staff, and congregation want you to know that you aren’t alone. Some of our children and youth may have questions. Some may feel scared or anxious. Others may seem completely fine one moment and then bring it up unexpectedly later. We know our children and youth are talking and asking questions. There is no perfect way to have conversations like these, but our hope is that we can walk alongside you at this time. We hope the following tools and information we have provided you in the attached document may be helpful to you in the coming days to help our kids feel safe, heard and grounded.
This Wednesday at Confirmation and in our High School Ministry, we will make space for prayer, reflection, conversation, and the worries our young people are carrying. We will remind them of something we want them to know not only this week, but always:
They are not alone.
God is with them.
Their community cares for them.
And even in frightening times, we are called to be people of courage, compassion and love.
Blessings,
Shawna Berg
Director of Children, Youth and Family Ministry
Start by listening.
Rather than beginning with lots of information, try asking, “What have you heard?” or “How are you feeling about what happened?” Kids often need a chance to tell us what they know before they are ready to hear what we want to say.
Make room for whatever they are feeling.
Fear, sadness, anger, confusion, and even numbness are all normal responses to something frightening. We don’t have to talk our kids out of their feelings. Sometimes one of the most helpful things we can say is, “That makes sense. I’m glad you told me.”
Be truthful without giving more information than they need.
Answer the question they are actually asking, especially with younger children. It is okay to say, “I don’t know.” It is also important to correct rumors or misinformation they may be hearing from friends or social media.
Reassure them without making promises we cannot make.
Instead of saying, “Nothing bad will happen,” we can say, “There are adults at school, at church, in our community, and at home who are working very hard to keep you safe.”
Pay attention to how much news and social media they are consuming.
Repeated videos, posts, speculation, and commentary can make an event feel as though it is happening over and over again. Helping kids take a break from their phones and feeds can be an important part of caring for them.
Breath Prayer
Prayer is a great tool in anxious times. Light a candle and say a prayer for the things you are anxious about, or teach your child the practice of a breath prayer for times they are anxious – Breathing in and saying “God is with me” and breathing out and saying “I am not alone”. Repeat this several times. At the conclusion of the prayer encourage your child to find 5 things they can see, 4 things they can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things they can smell and 1 thing you are grateful for. Sometimes our bodies remain on high alert when we are anxious or frightened, and the practice of praying, and caring for our bodies can be a grounding exercise.
And there is one more conversation we believe is especially important right now.
In the aftermath of frightening events, people sometimes look for an entire group of people to blame. We have already seen comments in our wider community that target our neighbors because of the identity of those involved in the shooting.
Fear does not give us permission to hate. Our Christian faith calls us in another direction. Jesus teaches us to love our neighbors. Scripture reminds us, “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). We can condemn violence, grieve what happened, work for safety, and still refuse to stereotype or dehumanize an entire community.
Our children are listening to the way adults talk. This is an opportunity to help them understand that a person’s actions belong to that person and they do not define everyone who shares their race, religion, culture, or background.
You might simply say:
“What happened was wrong and scary. The people responsible should be held accountable. But we do not blame a whole group of people for what a few individuals did. Every person is our neighbor, and every person deserves to be treated with dignity.”
Finally, remember that conversations about hard things usually aren’t one conversation. Check in again later. Pay attention to changes in sleep, mood, school attendance, physical complaints, or anxiety. And remind your child that they can talk with you, with trusted adults, and with us here at St. Andrew.